When I was a little girl and even a young woman I dreamed of a hero, someone that would sweep me off my feet, carry me up the stairwell. As I got older I knew, in my brain, that this was a dream that could not come true, but my heart still dreamed it would come true. What I never dreamed was that I would, after being a wife, mother, friend and lover for over 25 years, be almost 50 years old and have the fears that I now have. I never dreamed that everything would rest on my shoulders, I never imagined my life as a house of cards resting on only one very shaky card that would all crash to the floor with even the slightest of wind. But here I am, almost 50, and in a few months, if things continue on the path they are on, I will be out of a job and without health insurance. I will more than likely lose this house, this is the house that I dreamed of when my life changed so radically and suddenly and I had to dream a new dream. The wind is blowing and the foundation to the house of cards is violently shaking. Funny how I am no longer able to dream, unlike Taylor Swift in her song ( White Horse ) I do not see anyone on a white horse. If there is a hero out there you should know this:
I was a dreamer until someone let me down, but this bruised and battered heart still tries to dream of a hero. I do not need you to take care of me, I do not need you to make up for the damage you did not cause. What I need is to be able to dream again, to be able to feel that hope in humanity and to be able to trust. What I need is for you to show up because that, to me, is what love does. It shows up even when things are not good, even when we don't look or feel our best, even when it's hard, just show up. The sooner the better because the house of cards is about to come down. Right now the only direction I can look in is UP.
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