THE SHACK

I read a good book and I wanted to share. The book is: THE SHACK- Where Tragedy Confronts Eternity by William P. Young
In a world where religion seems to grow increasingly irrelevant THE SHACK wrestles with the timeless question: Where is God in a world so filled with unspeakable pain? This book may help lead you into a higher understanding, it did me. You can also visit the web site: www.theshackbook.com for The Missy Project
The book is well worth the reading.

Moving South

One morning in August of 2007 I woke up with only 1 thought on my mind: Move South. I suppose this could have meant move over to the south side of the bed and go back to sleep, or move into the south side of the house, but I took it to mean actually move south. I immediately started making plans. I inquired about a job transfer, made the calls noted the possibilities, made reservations to stay on Topsail Island, NC, took the vacation days and got in the car, alone and drove. The first week of September I spent a week, alone, in NC, stayed on Topsail and explored the surrounding area. Found a realtor, looked at many, many houses, chose a house, put a binder on it, hired a home inspector, appraiser, mortgage broker, lawyer, got the job transfer finalized, and of course walked the beach, like Cain walking the earth except me walking the beach. When the week was over I drove back to NY and started packing, rented a moving truck, and packed, transferred my bank accounts, and packed, spent time with my kids, and packed, said my good bye's, and still packed. October 24, 2007 I picked up the moving truck and started loading it with the help of my kids and a few friends. I don't remember the exact size of the truck so I will just say a BIG truck and still I left things behind. You can accumulate alot of stuff in 27 years, at the time some of the stuff I thought I couldn't do without. Some of it is still in boxes in my garage, guess I could have rented a smaller truck and left more stuff behind. Bright and early on the morning of October 25th my best friend showed up to make the drive to NC with me, I will be eternally grateful to her and for her. Dar and I drove my Blazer, packed full with stuff as well as my Rottie, Boo, my cat, Meg, and six house plants. My youngest son drove the moving truck, the BIG truck. That began the journey into my new life, which at times has felt like the twilight zone. The trip itself was pretty uneventful, except for the times we stopped at rest stops and the dog attempted to eat truckers, she was just a bit nervous and out of her element and she let anyone that came anywhere near us know that. Then there were the weigh stations for BIG trucks. The info with the moving truck said that if you saw an open weigh station you had to stop- so...we did. I saw the sign for the weigh station it said open, so to prevent from getting separated from the boy driving the BIG truck we stopped at the weigh station as well. We didn't know that once in the weigh station the only way out was over the scale. So Dar, I, Boo & Meg in a Chevy Trailblazer drove on the scale at the weigh station, by the time we got to the scale ( we obeyed all the signs, stopped and waited for the sign to tell us that our weight was ok ) we were hysterical laughing, we said if asked, we were going to say that it was our weigh in day at Weight Watchers and since we would miss it due to traveling we just wanted to get our weight. Could anyone figure it out- minus the weight of the blazer, the dog, the cat, the six house plants, the luggage and any other stuff in the blazer. Imagine what the guys at the weigh station were thinking? Look at these 2 stupid women thinking they have to stop at the weigh station in a Chevy trailblazer. So we continued on the trip to the rest of my life, until we stopped in Emporia VA and the boy was looking for no doze in the gas station, drinking Red Bull, Amp and coffee at the same time, so we got a room and stopped for the night. I went in and got the room, told them I had a dog, a big dog. They said no problem the pet friendly rooms were on the 5th floor. Now is it just me or does that make any sense? Why put the dogs on the 5th floor? This meant I was going to have to take an already confused and agitated 90 lb Rottie up in the elevator. We took the cat, in her crate, that contained a small litter box and put her on the front seat of the BIG truck. I put the leash on the dog and headed for the hotel, Dar and the boy scoped out the situation to see if innocent people would be harmed and we brought her in straight to the elevator. This is a dog that is very sweet and loving, but she does have some issues, she does not like men, at all, does not like is a weak way of phrasing her feelings towards men. She does not like people to get too close to me, she's a big believer in personal space. She is a creature of habit, does not like her situation to be changed and I was already pushing her to her limit with just the long trip and the rest stops and the weigh station, so I was scared. We got her on the elevator and just as the boy and I were saying as long as we don't stop to pick anyone else up we'll be fine, when the elevator stopped on the 3rd floor. The dog was sitting quietly between me and the boy as the doors opened and we saw it was a man about to get on the elevator, I instantly moved to put myself between the man and the dogs line of vision while at the same time shouting " Oh shit ", while my mind was going a mile a minute trying to figure out how we would get the man's body out of the elevator without being detected, if in fact he foolishly decided he would get in anyway, when the man said "I'm not getting in there with that dog " to which Dar said " good choice ". And the doors closed and we started going on up when we realized the dog hadn't even moved a muscle, hadn't made a noise and was still sitting quietly by the boy. We made it to the 5th floor and started down the hall to our room, this is where the dog did not want to be, she paced, she barked, she growled she was nervous. Didn't like the sounds, the smells, was just unhappy. I decided to bring her back and let her spend the night in the blazer, but decided to take the stairs this trip. So the boy and I took the dog out of the room, where a man was in the hall, not a man as smart as the elevator man but a man the was determined to see the pretty Rottie. As he started towards us the dog tensed up and let out a ferocious bark and the man stopped I said " She doesn't like men " to which he responded " She's still a beautiful dog " and we made a beeline for the stairs, the dog went down those stairs as fast as she could drag my weight, out the door and straight for the blazer, I opened the back she hopped up and laid right down with a big sigh, like why did we have to try that to begin with, and she slept in the car. The next morning we get up get the cat from the BIG truck and are amazed at how smelly a litter box can get in a closed truck overnight, put the cat back in the trailblazer, with the dog and the six house plants and finish the trip. We pull the BIG truck up to the new house, which we do not have the keys to because I haven't actually closed on the house yet, leave it there with the cat on the front seat and the six house plants on the front step. Dar, the boy, Boo and I pile into the trailblazer to go to the closing, where the boy, Dar and Boo drop me off and go shopping. I close on the house and have a small discussion about the keys to the house as the "seller" does not want to give me all the keys to all the doors, the " sellers" realtor finally convinces the " seller" to give up the keys. Since I was dropped off the realtor gives me a ride to the new house, where the boy, Dar and Boo are there waiting for me with the BIG truck, the cat, and the six houseplants. I unlocked the door we all looked around, I got Boo settled somewhere I felt she would feel a bit more secure, locked the cat in the bathroom, and we started the process of unloading the BIG truck. If I ever move again I will sell this house furnished and take as little as possible to wherever I go next, I do not ever want to go through that again. So when that time comes if I have anything that you want it's all yours but you have to move it! The boy, Dar and I unloaded that whole truck, all the furniture, all the big stuff, all the boxes at one point I just wanted to light the BIG truck on fire and watch it burn. We got all the stuff inside and then went out to eat. That was when I discovered I had moved from a carb light world into the world of- do you want a biscuit with your biscuit? It's all about the carbohydrate down here! We went back to the new house where the boy continued on with digging holes for the fence posts and Dar and I put my bed together. By that time we were all done couldn't do anymore, when I look back now I wonder where we all got the energy from, speaking for myself I am amazed at the level of energy I had, yes there were times that I was sweating so much and breathing so hard that I took a break and wondered if my heart would explode but I got right back up and kept going. Dar had brought an air mattress with her that she had bought at a garage sale and that she was going to leave with me, in the middle of that first night she found out it had a hole in it. The boy slept on the couch, then the living room floor. Boo stayed with me staring up at the ceiling all night because of the squirrels that ran across the roof, all night long. The next morning the boy and I took the BIG truck into town to pick up the supplies I had ordered from Lowes. We got all the fencing materials, a washer and dryer, a lawn mower, cement, storm doors, tools and anything else big before we had to bring the BIG truck back. Dar stayed at the house to wait for the cable guy to get the phone, TV and computer hooked up. She started unpacking and put away most of the kitchen before we got back. There were times that I had to call her after she went home to ask her where something was because she unpacked so much with no help from me at all, again I am grateful. She put my brand new vacuum together only to find out it was missing a piece to hold the handle on, and I bought it in NY and of course that store is no where around here. So duct tape to the rescue, to this day that handle is duct taped on. Then the boy drove the BIG truck and we followed in the trailblazer to drop the BIG truck off. We came back and the boy put the fence up around the back yard, this is a huge yard an acre of property. He put 4 foot privacy fence up, put the posts in and put all the panels on, he left the cement part for Dar and I to do, more on that later. He put the washer and dryer in place and did all the things that I know I would have had to pay someone to do, I will be eternally grateful for all of his help, he is an amazing person and not just because he is my son. Dar and I put the daybed together, that went fairly well so we were thinking- we got this- we know what we're doing, and Dar had a real bed to sleep in that second night. Day three-Dar and I took the boy to the airport so he could get back to his job and his life, so very hard for me to say good bye. When Dar and I were alone in the new house in the new town in my new life is when the adventure really began. As we were putting the dining room table together we realized that we had put the bed together with the hardware for the dining room table. We were not about to take that bed apart as we had to recruit the boy to help with that and he was gone, so we put the dining room table together with the hardware for the bed, not as easy as one might think. We had one leg we could not fit into the table top where it belonged no matter how we pushed on it, at one point I was laying across the table as Dar was pushing with her feet with her back against the wall trying to force it. We laughed so hard it wasn't budging it wouldn't go in. Finally we both got on the same side Dar on the floor with the leg between her knees and her feet against the wall and me above her both of us pulling on that leg and we got it. The table is lopsided, it's a round table and on one side it's higher than the other side, we just spun it around a few times so to us it seems less noticeable. So that is up to day three of moving south, the next few days involve many laughable moments, like the drivers license office, the " plate ", Dar's homemade " tool ", the gutters so more to come:):):)

Two By Two

I guess it's a two by two world, goes all the way back, at least, to Noah and the Ark. He gathered the animals two by two. There is even a verse in the Bible that reads: " Two are better off than one, because together they can work more effectively. If one of them falls down, the other can help him up... Two people can resist an attack that would defeat one person alone. A rope made of three cords is hard to break. " Ecclesiastes 4:9 ( Tev )
So I guess it's a two by two world, so how do you navigate in that world as one?
I was 46 when I got divorced just about the same age my Grandmother was when my Grandfather passed away. She spent the next 32 years alone, is family history destined to repeat itself? She had a full life, with her family, friends and work, but was that enough? I wish she were here now so that I could ask her.
I had couples friends prior, still have a few but most have faded away. I imagine it's hard to include that suddenly single in a two by two occasion. Hard to know where she would fit in, hard to know what to say, what to do, how to act. I wish I knew then what I know now because I would say just be the way you were before, not that much has changed, there's just more room around the table. But I didn't know that then, then I was thinking I stood out like a sore thumb or maybe their bad dream of what could happen to them. At first they stopped calling, then they stopped returning calls, then they would see me in the mall and pretend they didn't, finally they stopped sending Christmas cards. You know the friendship is over when they stop sending Christmas cards even when you send them one. That was a part of the reason I moved away. First it is so hard to try to reinvent yourself or move on while still in the same place you were for over 20 years. Then I was afraid I would become a burden to my children, not that I asked for things but just that they would feel as if they had to include me in all things. I thought that I was a painful reminder of all that had changed. I also felt as if my being in that same spot made it hard for them to move past it, hard for them to discover ways to deal with the new issues. I didn't want my feelings, or how they thought I would feel, to impact their decisions on how to deal with the new issues. And it is easier to be alone in a place where you know no one than it is to feel so alone where you know everyone. I don't know which was worse the people that asked for the details of what happened just because they were nosy. Or the ones that ignored me because they didn't know what to say, couldn't believe that it happened at all then even harder was the reason, that part was so hard for other people, how could that have happened, no one saw that one coming. But even so, hardly a day goes by that I don't wish I was home, with my boys. I am thinking about going back, may have to, it's very hard to manage financially in a largely dual income world on one income. Every time I mention it to the boys they say they hope I can stay here or at least keep the house. This is a beautiful house, the nicest place I have ever lived, 15 miles from the beach, never a real winter, I wear flip flops all year long, huge yard and a truly beautiful fairly new house, beautiful neighborhood with spacious lots and well maintained homes. very quiet, just a beautiful place. But still there is a tug at my heart to go home. I wish the boys would move down here then I think I would feel more settled, having them close, but they have their own lives and should live them their own ways.
So how to you navigate single in a two by two world? Maybe my hidden self has the answers along with the winning power ball numbers if so now is the time to speak up:)

Who's a Kid?!

I've thought about this a lot, what constitutes someone being a Kid? I don't mean the obvious, of course a little kid is a kid but what is the age difference that makes someone a Kid to you?
There was this young guy ( Kid ), I'll call him Theo, ( that's not his name but that's what I'll call him ) he asked me to go with him. I was 46 at the time and Theo, well Theo was just barely 30. I did the math in my head ( well actually I probably used a calculator, math not being my strong suit ) a 16 year age difference. I thought about that, 16 years is a long time, I was 16 when he was born, I remembered what I was doing at 16 that's what really hit home to me. I was 16 when he was born- that made it icky ( for lack of a better word ). So for me, I decided that anybody that I could have given birth to was too young for me, to me they were a Kid. I know other people may have different ideas on this subject but even they would have to admit if you look at if from the perspective of where you where at in your life when that Kid was born a big age difference is icky. They are a whole generation younger, that makes a big difference. Maybe it wouldn't be so noticeable in the beginning but think about it when your 60 that Kid is 44, younger than you were when you first got together- that's icky. And probably at that point it's icky to that Kid as well, still young and stuck with this old person. And while I agree that the 60 of today is not the 60 of years ago, it's still old, you can get Social Security soon ( well get may be a dream, apply for it may be more like it ). So I told Theo no, though I was flattered and then I put my age difference cap at 10 years, and that seems like a lot. I know love knows no age, it's blind or whatever but that's bull, you should still use your brain. Think about it this way if I had met Theo when I was 16 I would have been his babysitter, when I graduated from high school he was learning to walk, he and my oldest son could have gone to school together, when he was 16 I was 32, twice his age. Yep that's just icky. I know there is a flip side to that, younger people make you feel younger( and then sometimes they make you feel older). Some people believe they look younger when they are with someone younger, most times you don't- you look older, especially when a perfect stranger asks if the Kid is your son or daughter- yeah that's gotta sting. But I guess the real upside to being with a Kid is that you have built in free home health care in your really old age, that's a plus! Imagine this scenario: The Kid answers the door, it's a salesman ( someone close to the Kid's age ) they have a nice conversation when all of a sudden the Kid says- excuse me I have to go change a diaper, the salesman says- Oh you have young children? the Kid says no I don't it's my... Um mm.... it's my.... Um mm ..... Oh never mind it can wait. Well anyway that's just my thought on who's a Kid. Besides I've got a 29 year old son and a 25 year old son if some old broad was dating one of them it wouldn't be pretty, I'd have to go all mama bear on the old lady:) Words of wisdom from my Grandmother: When she was asked why she never married again or dated after my Grandfather passed away she said, and I quote:

" Because I'm not changing some old man's piss pot "

The Hidden Self

I have a friend that says everyone has a hidden self. He believes that it's not so much that people change but that their hidden self emerges. He believes that some people fight the emergence of their hidden self their whole lives, others let theirs out in small doses, while others suddenly let theirs emerge. He also believes that if you look hard enough you can see the signs of others hidden selves, in the small things, words they choose, a flash of emotion across their face, body language and the way they talk about themselves. I'm unsure if he means this as a good versus evil conflict. This man has a voice that could calm the raging sea, he leaves me long messages on my answering machine while I'm at work. I save these messages and on nights that I am feeling afraid and vulnerable I listen to him tell me that I am good and strong and that he loves me. He tells me that good thing are waiting for those that are good. I know what he means but there are days when I want those good things to be the winning power ball numbers because I am just so tired, physically, emotionally and financially spent. There was a time that I let our friendship go, because of my situation, because it was easier than fighting over it, because I was more loyal to a false idol than to a faithful friend. Then at one of the lowest points in my life this man came to me, he walked into my house and he wrapped his arms around me in a hug that I can still feel. He said " you should have called me ", I told him I couldn't it had been so long and he said none of that matters because you are my friend and I love you. He doesn't think he makes a difference in this world, sometimes he even half jokingly calls himself a loser. For such a smart, intuitive guy on that issue he is so dumb and good things are waiting for him. Thanks K.M. I will never again let our friendship go:) So do each of us have a hidden self? If I do does she have the winning power ball numbers because funds are getting low:)

The smell of God

I am a believer, I am unashamed, I believe & trust in God, I truly whole heartily believe and that's that. I have always believed with my head but I am ashamed to say not always with my heart. There was a time that I gave very little thought to God, fortunately for me He was thinking of me. One of my more recent clear experiences of feeling God happened while I was driving home from a painful fact finding mission. You know the song Jesus Take the Wheel ? well that night he had to have because I certainly wasn't in control. It was a long drive and I was numb from what I had secretly witnessed, I wasn't thinking, I wasn't paying attention, I wasn't doing anything. My cell phone rang but I didn't answer it, nothing could shake me from that numbness. Then I smelled my Grandmother, who has passed away a few years before, just as if she was sitting beside me. I turned my head and looked, of course, the passenger seat was empty, but I smelled her, strongly. I didn't just smell her beautiful smell, I smelled all the things that meant her. Chicken and dumplings cooking, pound cake, the marsh, the ocean, scrapple and eggs frying & bayberry candles. All these smells came rushing at me and I felt such peace and so loved. God knew exactly what I needed to snap me out of that nothingness and he sent her to me. Even my youngest son has said at times " Oh I smell Mom-Mom Eva " and it's not always a smell of her but smells that mean her and to me she always meant home. I have had that experience numerous times and each time it fills me with peace and love.
More recently I had an experience with wildlife that left me in awe. Friends were here visiting, this was a couple that knew me as part of a couple they had never known me as just me. I went to the condo that they were staying at we had great fun, not awkward at all they are lovely people. Still when I left to go home I was feeling sad, not because of anything that was said or done just sad because of how changed things were. It was very late and I was driving down a lonely stretch of road and on the shoulder I saw what I thought at first was a dog, a German Shepherd. I slowed for fear it would dart out into the road, it stopped on the shoulder, I pulled over. I could clearly see that it was not a dog, my head lights shone right on the animal, I thought possibly a coyote. It at first had it's back to me so I could see from the tail it was not a dog, it's tail was more plumed like a paint brush and not held downward but straight out behind it, it was reddish in color. As I crept the car along the shoulder to get closer the animal looked at me over it's shoulder, I was not more than 10 feet from it. Then he did the strangest thing he turned completely around and faced me full on, we sat there he and I staring straight into each others face, for what seemed like an eternity, then he threw his head up in the air gave a yip and darted off into the tree line and was gone. When we were looking directly into each others face it was then that I saw he may have been a red wolf. I drove the rest of the way home peaceful but excited. I searched on the computer for coyote or red wolf sightings in this area and both have been seen. Then I read an Indian saying that says if you come face to face with a coyote and he looks you in the eye you have been blessed. I certainly felt blessed no more feelings of sadness but feelings of faith and hope. So I really don't know what it was that I saw that night but whatever it was he and I were both there at that exact moment for a reason. I will never believe it was coincidence, I was feeling weak and that experience gave me strength, I believe that was God's doing and I am grateful.

The Lizard

One of the most fascinating things about living where I do now is the lizards. They crawl all over my front porch, they burrow through my mulch and remind me of the thing in the movie Tremors ( but much smaller and so friendly ). I love to watch the lizards, they drink from my bird bath, crawl across my feet and perch on top of my water bottle. One morning as I opened the front door to go to work there is this little green lizard standing on the door saddle. I guess I startled him as much as he did me because we both froze looking at each other. I expected him to get up on his hind legs and in an Aussie accent start talking to me about car insurance ( which I wish he had because I'm sure I'm paying way too much ). But he didn't he crawled right into the house. I was late for work because I had to find him so that the cat didn't. I found him in the coat closet and scooped him up and put him outside. I laughed all the way to work thinking about him, sometimes I really wonder about my sanity, it's those silly things that make my day.

The Zombie Attack

About 1 week after I became suddenly single my friends decided we should have a girl's night out. So we got dressed up ( for us anyway which for one of us meant she would wear white socks with her jeans, you know who you are! and continually bring up that fact so we all couldn't help but notice ) we had 2 designated drivers, just in case. We got dropped off at this place that I don't believe I had ever been before, but it's on Rte 211. We go in and sit down the bartender asks what we're drinking I have no idea so one of the girls says " we're having Zombies " So I thought OK whatever a Zombie is that's what we're having. Still don't know what a Zombie is but the one thing I do know is that I will never have another one! I get my Zombie it tastes really good and I drink it, fast. The bartender brings me another one and I drink that one, it's then that I stand up to go to the ladies room, my daughter in law goes with me, good thing. I was OK or at least I thought so. On the way back I decide to get some air and I go outside. There is a man standing outside smoking and he takes one look at me and says " Zombie huh? " I smile or at least I think I smiled and he said well " do yourself a favor and don't have 2 " I said " too late ". He laughs and says " then you might want to go over there and have a seat on the steps you don't look so good ". I don't know if he went in and got my friends or if they just came looking for me on their own but they all came out to me. I could hear them talking as if in a dream " oh she doesn't look so good, do you think she's gonna get sick, what should we do etc., etc. " Well they didn't have to wait long to get the answers to those questions. The next thing ya know I'm puking on the side of Rte 211. A friend that I am so incredibly blessed to have, held my hair and rubbed my back. They did have this discussion on how lady like I puked ( if there is such a thing as lady like puking ), while I puked. The only thing I remember saying is " I guess I showed him puking on the side of Rte 211, yeah how do you like me now?" I know we all laughed that I can remember, what comes next is blurry. I know both of our designated drivers showed up to witness the spectacle, and get us home. I remember my friend trying to help me walk but I kept taking these GIANT steps like I was walking up this HUGE hill and she kept saying "put your leg down, isn't anyone going to help me with her? why is she taking these GIANT steps? " Then she made a reference to me being short and her being tall so it would work better if a shorter person was helping me walk up that HUGE non existent hill. But we made it into the house and I did survive the night I was attacked by Zombies. That's my story and I'm sticking to it those Zombies attacked me and I'm lucky to have survived:)

Saint Anthony and the ring

A few weeks after I had been separated I was still trying to find my way in the suddenly single world, and making it look easier than it was. I went to the mailbox and inside in an envelope was a medal of Saint Anthony and a note that said "remember you are never alone". I still do not have any idea who put that in my mailbox, and at the time I couldn't figure out why Saint Anthony. I of course knew that Saint Anthony was the patron Saint of lost things, after all being Irish Catholic you can't help but know which Saint is which. But why Saint Anthony, I have heard him referred to as the marriage Saint, this thought quite honestly made me mad. Did someone give me this medal because of my " lost " marriage? the nerve of people. As I sat there looking at this little medal and the note I came to realize that I had lost something and it didn't have anything to do with my marriage, it had to do with me. I had lost faith, faith in so many things, myself, life, men ( that's still a tough one :) ) and God. I put the medal around my neck and sat with the note " remember you are never alone ". All this time I was looking at that empty house thinking I was alone when in fact I never had been, I just wasn't looking in the right place. Shortly after the medal showed up I found a ring, it's a simple silver band with gold footprints all around it and on the underside these words are inscribed " it was then that I carried you". I wear the ring always as a reminder that I was carried even when it felt as if I walked alone, though quite honestly it hasn't too often felt as if I've walked alone. I am grateful.

Payday Someday

"Payday is someday for everyone" This is a direct quote from a very good friend ( thanks K.M.)
He believes that this is true, he told it to me at a time that I imagine he thought I needed to hear it. He was right, but I don't know if I believe it. He claims that one day everyone of us will pay for the damage we have done to other's. At the time he first told this to me I imagined a huge, ugly embarrassing spectacle that I, of course, got to witness. There was even mention of gorilla glue, baseball bats and a Hobbit from the Lord of the Rings. How they all fit together now after all this time is unclear, but at the time it all made sense and was very uplifting. But over time I have come to understand that's not what he means at all. It's not a fate that befalls you, it's not the act of a vengeful God, (because God is not vengeful) but it is something that we will suffer inside, it will be inner turmoil. We will pay by feeling the pain that we've caused other's. Much scarier and not nearly as much fun as the image of the gorilla glue, ball bat and the Hobbit. He He He, a Hobbit from the Lord of the Rings, that was funny stuff. So from now on I keep my nose clean do as little damage as possible just in case this payday someday thing is legit. Anyway the way I see it I'm all paid up now, time for someone else to pick up the tab.

Where the cabinet's meet

There's a spot in the kitchen of the old house where the cabinet's come together at a 90 degree angle, this was my safe zone. Whenever the depth of despair became so overwhelming that I didn't know what to do I sat there, on the floor, in the place where the cabinet's meet. Sometimes I would just sit, others I would cry and then there were the times that I sobbed, big wracking, chest heaving sobs. The more I sobbed the further I would try to push myself into that place where the cabinet's meet. This is where my youngest son found me when he returned from college, I will never forget the look of raw pain on his face. I felt guilty, I felt that my pain was causing his pain, to some degree it was but he had his own. He sat there with me, we did that many times. Sometimes we just sat, sometimes I cried, sometimes we talked and sometimes we even laughed. It breaks my heart to imagine his pain. When he left for college we were his intact family, we were what we had always been, and I believe that fact was something he depended on, that we would be what we always were, a family. When he came home from college the family as he knew it was gone, he had been gone through most of the unraveling. He didn't experience it in bits and pieces he got it as one lump sum. I can't even begin to know how he dealt with that, but he did. We would sit there in that place and over time we laughed more and I cried less, we remembered all that was good. One day he said "Mama I have a song for you" I went into his room and he had down loaded a song for me it was Hey Mama by Kanye West, I probably would have not known that song had he not given it to me. These are Kanye's words not mine so I write them the way he sings them and I cherish the memory of the day my son gave them to me. Kanye sings " Hey Mama I wanna scream so loud for you cause I'm so proud of you " " You never put no man over me and I love you for that Mommy can't you see " "Caught you with tears in your eyes cause a nigga's cheating and telling you lies then I started to cry as we knelt on the kitchen floor and I said Mommy I'm gonna love you till you don't hurt no more " As I said those are Kanye's words and that is one boy that loved his Mama, and my boy loves me, both of my boys do, so really what did I lose? It was after he gave me that song that I stopped sitting on the kitchen floor in the place where the cabinet's meet.

I was just talking to a friend on the phone and she reminded me of something, something very big as far as relationships go, something that is without question a deal breaker. This friend is the very best friend there is, she stood there with me in the beginning, the middle and the end. She was the one that was by my side when I began again. I am deeply blessed to have her in my life and eternally grateful. In our conversation she mentioned toenails, yep toenails are a definite deal breaker. She said ( not for the first time ) " I will never cut a man's toenails ". Many, many years ago I witnessed a wife do this for her husband and I told my friend what I had seen. We both thought it was so disgusting that a perfectly capable human being would ask another human being to cut their toenails. We have talked about that time often and she has said that she always puts that right up front to any man " I will never cut your toenails ". So if cutting a man's toenails is what it takes to make a relationship last, I guess I'm down for the count. Could that really be the secret to a lasting relationship? Nah- that can't be it, right?!

What does it take to make a relationship last? I certainly don't have the answer to that. I look at the milestone anniversary photos in the paper searching for a clue as to how they made it that far. What do they know that I don't? What's the trick, the secret? Why do some people believe so strongly in those vows that they took and others just don't? How can some people keep that promise while others treat their marriage as if it's a game of kick ball where they can shout do over and then begin again, with a different teammate? I got married young in 1979 and divorced old in 2006. Yeah that's a long time and it was something I hadn't imagined happening. Though I doubt there are too many people that are planning for their divorce on their wedding day, although I did know someone once who said she only went through with her wedding because the dresses were paid for. I guess you believe if you've made it past the 25th wedding anniversary your pretty much in it for life. Well I made it past that although things were shaky at that point, which I denied. We celebrated that milestone by going to a beautiful island, the place was great the trip was not. He bought me a time share as a gift, which looking back was a very odd thing to do. He even said how lucky I was to get such a gift as he bet not many women got that kind of gift for an anniversary. The units were not built at that time so I only saw plans and it was beautiful. I have never been to that time share, have never seen it other than the plans. He has been there, took the new girl there and proposed to her at the time share he bought for me on our 25th wedding anniversary. Real life is so much stranger than fiction and so much funnier. Some people thought that little fact would make me angry or sad, it did neither, it made me laugh, seriously who does that? I laughed hard and loud because it's funny and you just can't make this stuff up. So, the question remains: What does it take to make a relationship last?

There are questions that I can find no answers to, not the big life and world altering questions, I have given up on finding those answers or even asking those questions. It's the small things, the things that effect one's life. 1) Where is the "love me until" expiration date stamped on our bodies? Is it in a place on our hairline that we ourselves can't see? Is it a bar code that only our lover has the scanner to so that when the time is up they can say you've reached your shelf life ? 2) What exactly does " I never meant for this to happen " mean? Was there some cosmic event that took place leaving them no choice or control? At that moment was the earth's magnetic force so strong ( on just that situation ) that they were catapulted into a place and situation that they never meant to be in ?Alien abduction, Cupid's bad aim, booze, drugs, memory loss, I suppose there are so many explanations other than a choice was made. And if, on the outside chance that it wasn't any of those uncontrollable things, a choice was made how did they not mean for it to happen? 3) Who's feeling are they trying to soothe with the line " I never meant to hurt you? I guess it takes the sting out of it as long as they didn't mean to hurt us. It may have hurt a little bit if they hadn't explained that they didn't mean it, but then it just happened and they hadn't meant that either. And as long as they didn't mean to does that eliminate their accountability for our pain?4) What are the fundamental differences between men & women? Other than the obvious, testosterone levels, being able to stand while you pee, pregnancy & childbirth, what are the differences that make us view the same exact event in 2 completely different ways? 5) Is it really better for your lawn if you mow it in different directions? I see women mow their lawns in very much the same way I mow mine, mow to get it done. I have watched men mow their lawns, one week horizontally, the next vertically and then the next diagonally. I have asked the question why? I always get the same answer "it's better for the lawn", I have yet to receive an answer to the question how is it better for the lawn? 6) Why do some people want us to look at the lawn once they've finished mowing it? It looks pretty much the same, the same grass just shorter, I pretty much can recall what it looks like without having to go out and look at it again. What's wrong with my plan on mowing? do it, get it done as fast as possible, put the mower away go inside and pray that your heart doesn't explode from the exertion. I follow those steps religiously, never deviate from the plan, and don't stop to admire the shorter grass, and don't tell anyone else to go look at it, well probably because I pretty much can't speak by that time, but still it's just shorter grass isn't it?
6) Can you really start over again at almost 50? I know, I've read the stories too how people have found love in mid life and beyond, but really how often does it happen? Are all the stories we've read the only time it happens? Is it like airplane crashes and car wrecks? An airplane falls out of the sky and the world hears about it every time because of the mass devastation, a car crashes and well it's usually just local news, if that, because it happens everyday. We don't hear or read about every love affair that starts, but a lot of attention is given to those that start after a certain age ( well and before a certain age too but that's not the subject matter, right now ). So is the finding of love later in life so rare that it garners attention, what are the odds?